Friendship Wisdom from a Pig

pigwisdom2 Social media is an awesome tool for long distance friendships and staying in touch. But, as with most good things, it has its dark side. When it comes to friendships, social media can often stir up a whole lot of dissatisfaction. It’s that jealous pang you feel when you realize, based on the Facebook photos, you missed an invitation to a girls’ night out. It’s those retweeted friendship memes that lament the lack of true friends in the world – you know, the ones that say something melodramatic like, “Nothing like a crisis in my life to figure out who my true friends are!” These are the things that so often litter our feeds and our hearts.  Yes. Our hearts. Because I’m guilty. You are guilty. We are all guilty of those moments where our focus is entirely on how our friendship struggles affect the person most central to our concern – ourselves.

It’s National Friendship Week this week. I chose to write on this theme some weeks back, thinking that it would be a fun opportunity to celebrate friendships. And it is. But that is for another post. This post is a little more contemplative. It’s an invitation to ask the question, Am I more concerned about how my friendships affect me, or do I care more about how I can serve my friends?

For me, considering friendships from a different angle all started with a little bit of friendship wisdom from a pig.  Yes, a pig.  Or, more specifically, a sweet porcelain piggy bank currently sitting on my dresser. I received it from my godfather’s family when I was very little. It became one of my most treasured possessions because it has been a constant reminder to me throughout my life, one I have needed to revisit time and again, of what it means to be a part of a friendship.

The reminder?  Stamped on the pig’s rounded belly in swirly script: “The way to win friends is to be a friend.” 

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Growing up, being a friend was more a means to an end – I wanted to win friends more than anything, and so it was the initial half of the inscription that first caught my eye. But, in time, the second half came into focus.  As the years passed, there were many moments where I found myself glancing at that innocent little plump pig on my dressing table before staring at my reflection in the mirror and wondering, deeply, if I was the kind of friend that I would like to have.

Nowadays, I still find myself asking that question from time to time, especially when I find myself disappointed in a friendship.  When hurt is deep and I yearn for a trust that exudes benefit of the doubt and a love that covers wrongs; or when I find myself caressing my own pain, I have to purposefully ask myself the hard question: am I being the friend I wish I had? Am I being the friend my friend needs? The internal dialogue shifts gears from one that tallies my emotional injuries to one that says, would I not want to have my wrong forgiven? Would I not want my friend to be warm and gracious even when I am grouchy and petty? So, forgive her; give her grace. Enough with the pity party and love her, deeply, sacrificially.

Sacrificially.

It’s never easy to love sacrificially. Choosing her joy over my pain is hard. Choosing her well-being over my own? Sometimes near impossible.  But when sacrifice means risking the friendship for the sake of the friend, it can be the hardest kind of all. It’s the kind that says, “Because I love you, I need to tell you this hard thing you probably don’t want to hear.”  It’s the kind that I struggle with the most because it carries too much risk – too much sacrifice. It means touching on hard things that will hurt before they heal. It means opening myself up to attack, abuse, and rejection. But, when it’s worth it, it’s worth it, because a friend’s life is worth more than a friendship.

When friendship is easy, it’s awesome. When friendship is hard, it’s character building. When it’s a blessed mixture, it shimmers with beautiful life. But whether it’s difficult or easy, it’s always beneficial to focus on serving.  Even if it means sacrificing your friendship for the sake of your friend.  So, perhaps this friendship week, while we think of ways to celebrate friends, let’s make choices that favor giving over receiving; loving rather than judging; being rather than having. Yes, instead of focusing on how our friendships affect us, let’s focus on how we affect our friendships. Let’s focus on being a friend – a good friend, a caring friend, a sacrificial, serving, loving friend.

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Are you keen to shift your focus, but are not sure how to start? Here are some ideas for how to serve your friends: Celebrate Friends This Friendship Week.

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