When Homeschooling Costs You Friends
Homeschooling was the farthest thing from my mind at that moment. In fact, I wasn’t even in the conversation until a couple of friends called out to me.
“So, Kelley,” one of them asked, “how do you like homeschooling?”
Something in her tone made me wary. The other woman was biting a lip, working hard to suppress a smile.
“I love it,” I answered, though I was suddenly a little self-conscious. “I mean, it’s really tough sometimes, but I enjoy it.”
There was an awkward pause, and then the two of them exchanged a glance and laughed like I had just uttered some of the most ridiculous words they had ever heard.
No big deal, right? I mean, nobody insulted me. Nobody questioned my intelligence or my ability to educate my kids. Nobody criticized me for neglecting their proper socialization.
They just laughed. That’s all.
So why did it hurt so much?
This was early on in my homeschooling experience. I was still learning the ropes and overcoming all the uncertainties and the self-doubts that so often plague those early efforts into homeschooling. Maybe I was a little oversensitive.
But, then again, these women were not mere acquaintances. These were long-time friends, one of them a decades-long friend. And this brief exchange had just given me unbelievable insight into the way they viewed not only my decision to homeschool, but me as their friend.
Maybe it actually would have hurt less if they had criticized my ability or questioned my methods or interrogated me on my plans for socializing my children. I think I knew how to respond to things like that.
Instead, they laughed at me, like nothing in all the world could be crazier than willingly keeping my children home with me and educating them myself. They gawked at me like I was a freak, a novelty they found strange and sadly interesting, and from that moment on I knew our friendships may never be the same.
I was slow to embrace homeschooling because I knew it would change my life. It was a gut-wrenching, self-emptying process that brought me to homeschooling, and though I knew from the beginning it would change everything, I really didn’t realize how much. My schedule, my focus, my priorities, my entire outlook on time and life and parenting and learning all changed in unbelievable ways.
I don’t regret that. It was the right thing for me. But I wasn’t prepared for the way it would affect my relationships.
I know homeschooling moms who have dealt with actual hostility from friends for their decision to homeschool. Thank God my situation has never been as bad as that. But while my relationships have not suffered an angry rift of any kind, they most definitely have experienced a disconnect, and in the end the result is pretty much the same.
I have friendships that have been forever altered, essentially lost by my decision to homeschool, some of them very long-term friendships. I can choose to be hurt and angry over it, or I can accept it for what it is and move on.
I’ve chosen to do the latter, keeping in mind a few lessons I’ve learned along the way.
I have to realize it’s not personal. At least, not always.
Think about it for a minute: If I was to move from my small, rustic southern hometown to the heart of Paris, France, it would impact my relationships here, not merely because of the distance, but because of the contrast! Suddenly I would be part of a world some of my dearest friends just could not understand. It would affects things. There’s no way that it wouldn’t!
With homeschooling it’s much the same. My lifestyle has changed dramatically. My routines have been altered. I live in a different world now, and it’s only natural that the differences will make it a little harder to find the common ground most friendships need in order to thrive.
Not everyone will embrace my choice. And I have to be okay with that.
We can say we don’t care what others think, but it’s usually a lie. It may not change our decisions, but, truth be told, we do care. At least a little. If we didn’t, we would never get hurt or angry when anyone disagrees with us.
Listen, I want everyone to admire me and respect me and brim with joy in the rightness of my decisions!
But some never will. Never. And they absolutely have the right to their opinion. I don’t have to like it, but I have to respect it and then do what is best for my children no matter what anyone else thinks.
I don’t have to be the annoying homeschool mom.
I’m passionate about homeschooling. No question. It requires too much time and perseverance and sacrifice for me to be blasé about my decision to homeschool.
But I can’t let my passion make me abrasive to others. I believe in homeschooling, but arguing about it all the time and constantly pointing out every failure of the public school system makes me a pest, not a mind-changer.
I can admit I’ve been too pushy before. It’s because I believe in what I do, but I can’t shove a person into a change of heart.
I don’t want to be the one to close the door on a friendship.
I can’t prevent the relational awkwardness that may result from my decision to homeschool. I also have no power over the person who outright rejects the validity of my choice.
But I don’t have to put an end to a friendship. It may happen; a friendship may end, but if it does, I want it to be the choice of someone else, not me.
Because you never know when someone may have a change of heart. The day may come when a person finds themselves in need of a friend, or even finds themselves curious about homeschooling, and I always want to be approachable.
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Homeschooling is life-changing, even more than I ever dreamed it would be. The change has been good, but to say it hasn’t come with its bittersweet side would be untrue.
But I’ve made new friends as a result of homeschooling, which has been amazing. And I’ve seen friendships strengthened in unbelievable ways when old friends decided to join me on this crazy homeschooling journey.
Sadly, homeschooling has cost me a few friends. But it was the right choice. And I never give up the hope that those old friendships might someday be restored.
Have you lost friends as a result of your choice to homeschool? How do you cope, and what suggestions can you offer a homeschooling mom in the same situation?
Wow! Wow! Wow! I think you came into my house and read my mind yesterday! February is always a tough month for me (I think a lot of us!). Yesterday I meditated on some of the reason that I am struggling right now. I am a very extroverted person. Before homeschooling, I worked-I ran with an amazing group of women-I went to coffee and lunches with my friends. I was VERY social. I thrive on social. We are five years into homeschooling and I find myself very lonely. I do have friends but we can not get together or talk on the phone. I am also not on any type of social media so I have no idea what is going on in their lives. I am just in the first step of this process, which is acknowledging that I need people. I have not figured out how to cope yet, but hopefully I will soon. I think that I may share your article on my site if you do not mind. It really hit home!
I feel as if I could have written the above response. We decided to take our boys out of public school 8 years ago. I was warned that I may lose friends, but I didn’t really believe it. When we did make that gut-wrenching decision to homeschool, I think my friends went along with it at first, just to humour me, thinking I would probably quit before the following year. However, when I continued, I heard from them less and less and was no longer included in their get-togethers. It has been a lonely road, and has not been easy, but I do NOT regret it.
We have tried joining a homeschool group, however, we always felt like an outsiders, as this group started when their children were in diapers. Both the adults and children had been together from the beginning. We stuck it out for 5 years, but found that it wasn’t working. Prior to our homeschooling journey, our boys joined a pipe band – it runs continually throughout the year, so you meet these families and are with them for the duration, until graduation. By being involved here, I have been able to meet a few people with similar values, who I can socialize with (though not on the same intimate level) and I haven’t felt as judged as I have in my own community. Will these be life long friendships? I guess time will tell, but we have a common thread when we work together, every week, during band practice.
Our boys also joined a non-competitive curling club in our neighbouring community. We live in a rural area, so for the most part these people have similar values and beliefs. These relationships may not go as deep as your previous relationships, but at least you don’t feel as isolated.
I’ve learned that people tend to make fun of my choice based on the simple fact that they feel guilty that they are somehow less of a mom because they don’t want their child around them all day. (Which we know is false). But guilt and the ignorance of what the real meaning of homeschooling is brings about bullying. They are insecure and you are not about your child’s decision to educate her at home. It’s as simple as that.
For me, homeschooling hasn’t changed my true friendships. However there have been many friends voice concern over my choice to homeschool and that gets annoying. I think they either feel threatened that I’m teaching my own kids, as if I’m some kind of super mom or they honestly can’t open their minds to other education options. I’ve learned not to get defensive and to shrug off their skepticism. I try not to bring up the subject of homeschooling in our conversations and they eventually keep their opinions to themselves.
Yes, I lost some long-time friends and a church family, as they were focused on public school and took our decision very personally. We could care less what others chose for their families & did not have a judgmental attitude, but it didn’t seem to matter. After a couple years, it was obviously unhealthy and only getting worse. It was a devastating loss, and our family is still healing years later. But God has provided so many wonderful, WAY more encouraging friendships and new church family since then. We are so thankful and know it is ok to “let go” of those unhealthy attitudes. I’ve learned that a GRACIOUS attitude with those people is always worth it, whether they stay in our lives or not.
This is tough. While all my friends were actually pretty supportive, it did cause a distance. I live in a small southern town where all social events center around the school system. That’s how you meet and maintain all relationships. By being on the outside of that loop, my opportunities to meet other women are slim. And there aren’t many homeschoolers around. I don’t really have any advice, just a “me too”. 🙂
Yes, it’s that way here too. Public school is the center of any social events. We did have our older son with special needs in the public school system. He graduated last year. We still go to a lot of the games and such, as there isn’t a whole lot else to do, and we enjoy sports. Very few homeschoolers here. There also aren’t a lot of people our age, with kids the age of ours (there are 16 years between our oldest and youngest) AND my husband is a pastor. Often adds up to a lot of loneliness.
We are strongly considering homeschooling our 12 yo son next year. I am an elementary school teacher in a private Christian school, and never thought of homeschooling any of our children, we didn’t see the need for our older two. However, our youngest, we have found, has always struggled in a conventional school setting, and entering middle school has been a disaster for him this year. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Because of some recently diagnosed learning disabilities, and his extreme anxiety, we are considering a change. I have already received so much negative feedback in just mentioning that we are considering homeschooling, from family, friends, and colleagues. There is so much bias, stigma, and misinformation out there, but more and more I am seeing that the benefits may far outweigh the negative feedback. If we lose relationships, so be it. Our son’s ability to be successful and happy far outweigh other people’s opinions.
Lucy, I met with a lot of opposition when I first decided to homeschool my children. Several relatives were extremely adamant that I was making a bad choice (although, thankfully, there were some relatives who were supportive). I did what I thought was right for my own children even though it was difficult at first. Now, after 18 years of homeschooling, the very same relatives who were against my decision to homeschool have admitted (ALL of these years later!) that they were wrong when they opposed my decision to homeschool and are sorry that they weren’t supportive. In fact, one relative admitted that, after seeing how good homeschooling has been for my children, she wishes she had homeschooled her children! It wan’t easy to go forward with homeschooling years ago without much support, and it did cost me some friendships, but it was absolutely the right thing for my family, and I’m glad I stuck with it!
In observation only: the children behave much better, are respectful to others, know how to talk to adults, know how to listen.
WOW! I loved your comparison of entering the homeschooling world to moving to Paris, so true! I am only at the beginning of our journey but I can already see how this decision has begun to affect some of my relationships and so much more.
Thank you for sharing this.
This is my 3rd year of homeschooling my fourth child (10yrs old) & we are incredibly happy with it- more than I imagined. Her sisters ( in their 20’s) are angry with me, very angry & others are either uncomfortable or I am simply not useful anymore for lifts & pickups so they have dropped off … But there are always more people of all ages & we love that. People say, ” so what age will she go back?” As if it’s inevitable. But she said to me a couple of months back,” mumma I don’t want to go to high school, I think I’ll go abroad instead”
Ha, sure hope she takes me :^}
To replicate a few sentiments above, its also as though you wrote what I was thinking! Homeschooling is by far the best thing I’ve done for my children but its not been easy by any means. However to contemplate my children going through school when they were so unhappy year after year as they were, would have been unnecessarily cruel given the options with homeschooling these days. I can access anything I need to assist my children (love the internet!), and they’ve gone from being below standard at school to at least 1 year above in a number of subjects. The former school actually graded them as exceptionally high in their levels but independent professional testing after I started homeschooling showed their grading for skill levels at school were very inaccurate. According to the testing group its a common situation (as is the reverse in which very gifted children are graded low at school).
As for friendships, I’ve lost many but most weren’t surprising to me. A couple of friendships have continued and we are now closer than before we left school. I have moments of loneliness mostly because of judgement and little nasty comments designed to undermine my confidence – that’s mostly family actually. However, my children are my no. 1 priority so keeping others happy at the cost of my children’s well-being would be ridiculous. I have my moments of doubt to be sure but I’ve learned to be careful what I say about those moments to those whom I sense judge me – no point giving them ammunition! But seriously, anyone who actually loves me and/or my children would have to see my children are happier and are still well-educated. My decision to homeschool is not a statement about the world, about other people or about schools – its just about me and my children. When I sense I’m losing a friend I can usually work out why and its pretty much about how they see themselves as a mother, and its much more a statement about them than it is about me – something that took a hard first year of homeschooling to discover. Since homeschooling I’ve met extraordinary men and women who are passionate about ensuring their children are well educated, whilst keeping their happiness and emotional well-being at the forefront of their priorities. I have to travel over an hour to get to our nearest group which is a pity, but its a priority for us to make most of the catch-ups plus the occasional homeschooling group excursion. Its a hard road and often a lonely one to take especially when starting out. You have to be motivated to make new friendships and accept old ones may not cope with such a big change. It hurts but I like myself much more despite those friendship losses, and I look forward to making new friends as we continue to homeschool over the coming years.
After our son’s less than enjoyable journey through the public middle school and high school system, we decided to try out the private middle school here for our daughter and apparently that was enough to change some of our friendships. Weird how just deviating from the expected or norm is enough to gain some hurtful criticism instead of seeing it for what it really is, whatever is right for the kids involved.
I am a veteran homeschooling Mom who also works as an educational/homeschool consultant. Personally, I have not had this problem. I think it is more common among moms of younger children, especially first borns. I advise parents to be confident in their decision and to keep the conversation moving right along. Parents, especially moms, can feel insecure about their own choices. They fall prey to the comparison trap and chasing-the-best syndrome. Ask about their kids. Compliment their kids. Keep the focus of homeschooling. Then find your tribe to hang out with.